Boundaries and backlash

There was a loud SMACK as my jaw hit the floor. A few heads popped over the walls of cubicles nearby. The janitor dropped their broom. Workers floors below speculated the rest of the day what the sound had been shortly after 9am. Was it a bird on the window? It sounded like it came from inside? Drivers tuned to the AM dial during the PM rush heard a human interest piece about a woman who dropped the daylily she was potting when she heard the sound, leaving shards of terracotta strewn across her yard. An astronaut in the International Space Station noticed a shockwave out the port window during their daily zero G crunches.

There’s a chance none of this happened. Except for my shock, of course. Why all the hubbub? I recently set a boundary with a colleague and two days later they asked me to apologize.

Before I go further, I must reference a mind-blowing quote from Aparna Nancherla, one of my favorite comedians in my “I’ve only read their book, do they also do standup?” category. In her book Unreliable Narrator: Me, Myself, and Impostor Syndrome, she shares this wisdom: “By the way, being decisive and being disrespectful aren’t the same thing. You can advocate for your own needs while still being cordial, albeit firm, to others. If someone takes your self-respect as a slight, that’s not on you. Setting boundaries is rarely a smooth process, but it’s worth it if you value your own time and energy.”

I’m not going to paste the transcript of the conversation here because it’ll be on CSPAN2 later this evening anyway. The gist of what happened is this: a few weeks ago, a colleague who I’d had a good relationship with minimized my internal experience related to my autism diagnosis, chalking it up to introversion. I pushed back lightly but found myself avoiding them in the following weeks. Eventually, I reached out to clear the air, explaining my struggles were deeply internal, not just external. They responded argumentatively, questioning my diagnosis and doctors’ advice. Feeling unwell, I told them I didn’t want to explain further and went home early.

I came in the next morning to discover a few more messages from them questioning the effectiveness of my treatments and saying there are plenty of people with my diagnosis who live happy and content lives. Clearly, they had not latched onto the chance to show empathy I had attempted to extend to them.

Two days later, still hoping to clear the air, I asked if we could step back from this conversation. This is when the sound heard throughout the five boroughs took place. I stared at my screen when they responded with: “How about an apology for the way you behaved on Monday? That wasn't cool dude.”

Consider me shook! This person had minimized my experience, argued with me, and now wanted me to apologize. Thanks to Aparna’s quote in the back of my mind, I was like Ohhhhhh, is this what she means about boundary setting rarely being a smooth process?

Despite trying to stay engaged (I’m trying to not run away from all conflicts!), it somehow continued to get worse. I explained my intention was to express my needs and take care of my mental health, not to be rude. I asked what they wanted an apology for. They claimed I was rude for leaving the conversation and that it was “Something an 8 year old would do,” and they didn’t expect me to understand why it was rude. Lol wut? They then warned me that leaving when I did could lead to my termination. Okay dude, are you watching out for me or threatening me? I told them I informed my manager when I left and we haven’t spoken since.

WHEW. What just happened?!

First, I want to pause briefly for a positive contrast. Most of the people on the fairly-short list of those I have told have received my diagnosis with aplomb. Nearly all of them have responded with slight surprise, a question or two, and then we resume our normal relationship. I feel immensely grateful for this! I know it doesn’t go this smoothly for many people.

Secondly, I feel similar about boundaries setting the way I do endowments. I learned about both as an adult and immediately thought What else do I not understand about the world?! Based on my anecdotal evidence of browsing screenshots of employees texting their bosses posted to Reddit, I believe I’m not the only one who didn’t know about setting boundaries until adulthood. We are either raised to avoid confrontation at all costs (nice to meet you!) or charge headfirst and win every battle.

As I say that, I realize I’m conflating boundary setting with the larger concept known academically as “communication” but I decided I don’t care. What I’m really writing about here is how we communicate to someone (usually someone who we expect to encounter again) that we are uncomfortable with a given situation.

I’m not sure what lesson to take from this experience. I believe I played this fairly by-the-book according to my nascent experience setting boundaries. In return, I was dismissed, and someone I used to talk to regularly showed me they were more interested in condescendingly sharing their perspective than hearing what I had to say. This also seems like one of the first times I’ve felt the polarizing effect of sharing how my brain works. Before they became aggressive and insulting, I could sense traces of the medical model of disability versus the social model. (I’ll write more about the concept of disability in the future, as I’m still exploring my own relationship with it.) It was clear they thought my brain should have been “fixed” by now, while I was simply trying to spread an understanding about parts of the system which present severe challenges for me. If the conversation had stayed respectful, perhaps I could have communicated that.

Instead, I’m left with renewed gratitude for my friends and loved ones who have heard me out and supported me, and caution towards whoever I will meet next who will try to dismiss my entire experience.