Opinion: Keep your coffee van out of my community

This op-ed by Finkman, a local business owner, appeared in the Saturday evening edition of the Gull’s Hollow Post.

The true power of our community was on display this past weekend. Thank you to everyone who came out to wash, buff, and shine the Gull’s Hollow Ferry. Not since I was a teen home from the Academy had I seen this kind of turnout. Our community thanks you.

Unfortunately, I write to you today on a more somber note. Though no one had the courage to say it aloud, I knew something was amiss among our citizenry. I’ll be the first to verbalize: the new coffee van is a threat to our way-of-life.

I’m a deep believer in the spirit of entrepreneurship. Remember when traffic used to flow in only one direction around Work Park? It was our collective ingenuity that crafted the current system of alternating direction on alternating days. As a result, Finkman Auto could continue to replace your steering columns in a way that didn’t eat away all my profit.

The van held so much promise. With their rock garden and cursive-filled chalkboard, I was hopeful as I approached their Work Park setup. I was briefly back at the Academy, a cup of joe in my hand as I strolled to Classics seminar. I even considered smiling but they smiled first. Shaken, I offered to pay above market rate for a cup of coffee (and the rest of their business). They declined, and I slipped on a misted boulder. That’s just bad business.

Last week, I had a parlay with their so-called ideas guy which ended with him roasting my check in a commercial machine. If they’ll burn my property, imagine what they’d do to a townsperson who can’t even afford a king-sized storage unit from Finkman Storage (50% off first month ends Friday!). I just don’t want you to get hurt.

So I reached out to the once-revered WXYZ to calmly raise the public alarm. They declined! Instead, the afternoon drive kept on blasting Charlie CCX. I called in four more times and they let it ring, as if my donation last year didn’t exist.

First, the three “baristas” parade around in their cute little aprons. Next, they turn the local media against me. Pretty soon, we’ll all be late for work. If you still have to work for someone else and can’t afford to get fired, do not stop to chat with Lake-Shore Coffee.

This is why my friend Chuck is introducing a council bill tomorrow evening. He’s had coffee from Italy and says I’m right. After the vote, all mobile coffee dispensaries must have at least 3 axles. It will just take a few steak dinners with the two councilmembers Chuck calls “principled.” Our long local nightmare will be over.

The coffee van has got to go. My suits smell of coffee. My sprained ankle isn’t healing. My checkbook is nearly empty (not my bank account, that’s fine). Those apron-wearing commies are dismantling what made this town great: business deals by me, with me, for me.

Editor’s Note: While we are committed to publishing opinion pieces from a variety of perspectives, Finkman submitted this piece unprompted. We don’t know his first name, and Chuck asked us to publish.